That Voice in Your Head: How to Handle Your Inner Critic

Hey… Let’s Talk About That Voice in Your Head

You know the one. The one that shows up when you make a mistake or feel low.It says things like:

"That was so stupid."You’re no good at this."You’ll never get it right."

Yeah… that one. The inner critic.

Hi, I’m Mel — I’m a psychotherapist who’s been working with children, adolescents, and adults for 18 years. And let me tell you: this voice is very common. It comes up with almost every client I see. It’s one of the core ingredients of low self-esteem, and something we absolutely can change.

In this post, I’m going to explain:

• What the inner critic actually is

• Where it comes from

• And most importantly — how to dial it down and tune into a kinder, healthier voice instead

Let’s jump in.

What Is the Inner Critic?

That harsh internal voice doesn’t just stick to one script — it attacks us on many levels.

Here are some examples:

• Your behaviour: "That was so stupid."

• Your skills: "I’m hopeless at this."

• Your identity: "There’s something wrong with me because I’m neurodivergent, or different."

• Your intelligence: "I’ll never succeed."

• Your soul: "I’m just a bad person."

• Your family or background: "I come from a mess — I’m doomed."

• Your appearance: "I’m too fat/ugly/awkward-looking."

• Your character: "I’m lazy. I can’t be trusted."

Left unchecked, the inner critic can mount a full character attack — convincing you that you’ll never be enough.

So Where Does This Voice Come From?

Most of us aren’t born talking to ourselves this way. We learn it — especially when we’re young.

Sometimes, it’s the things people said to us. Sometimes, it’s what they didn’t say — the love, understanding, or acceptance we never got.

As children, we’re sponges. If we’re repeatedly told we’re “too much” or “not enough,” those messages sink in. And if we processed the world differently — maybe due to undiagnosed ADHD or simply being wired in our own way — we were often labelled as difficult or lazy when really, we just weren’t being understood.

On top of that, there’s school. A system that ranks, tests, and compares us constantly.

If you didn’t thrive in that system, you may have walked away thinking: "I’m stupid. I’ll never succeed."

And these thoughts don’t magically disappear when school ends. They just grow up with us.

What Happens When We Believe the Inner Critic?

When those messages become part of our internal narrative, they shape our whole lives.

• We treat ourselves badly

• We accept poor treatment from others

• We avoid relationships and support

• We expect failure, and so we stop trying

We don’t even need someone else to criticise us — we’ve already got the inner critic running the show.

Signs That Your Inner Critic Is in Control

Here are four signs to look out for:

1. You constantly replay past mistakes

2. You feel a strong urge to punish or condemn yourself

3. You experience lingering shame

4. You withdraw from others because of how you feel about yourself

If any of those sound familiar, your inner critic might be driving the bus.

How Do You Change This?

Here’s the good news: this voice can be quieted. You just need a new way of speaking to yourself — one that’s rooted in self-compassion.

Paul Gilbert, founder of the Compassionate Mind Foundation, defines compassion as:

“Turning toward suffering, whether in yourself or others, and taking action to alleviate it.”

This doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or avoiding responsibility. It means saying:

“This hurts. Let me understand why… and take care of myself through it.”

A Real-Life Example

Let’s say I crash my car into a bollard one morning.Here’s what my inner critic might say:

"I’m a terrible driver. I don’t deserve a car. I ruin everything."

Now, here’s what self-compassion sounds like:

"Am I tired? Distracted? Overwhelmed? What was different today?""How do I feel — ashamed, frustrated, upset?""What can I learn from this? Who can I talk to?"

That’s not avoidance — that’s growth, rooted in care and curiosity.

Five Ways to Replace Self-Attack with Compassionate Correction

1. Focus on your desire to grow

2. Think about how you can improve your life and others’

3. Stay forward-focused, not stuck in the past

4. Notice what went well, and build on it

5. Let yourself hope for success

3 Practical Techniques for Self-Compassion

1. Zoom Out Step back and observe yourself with curiosity, not judgment. What was happening? What do you need right now?

2. Externalise the Critic Imagine that voice as a person or monster — a sneering bully. Would you take advice from someone like that in real life? Probably not. So why listen to them in your head?

3. Be Your Own Best Friend Would you talk to a friend the way your inner critic talks to you? What would you say to someone else in your situation? That’s what you need to say to yourself.

Final Thoughts

You are not your worst mistake. You’re not your exam results. You’re not the harshest voice in your head.

You’re a human with stories, nuance, and potential.

So let’s learn to talk to ourselves the way we would to someone we love. Let’s be curious, not cruel.

You deserve that.

Coming Soon:In my next post, I’ll be diving into social anxiety — something deeply connected to the inner critic and a big issue for many of my clients (and friends!). If this post resonated, don’t miss that one — it’ll be out in two weeks.

In the meantime, if you're struggling with a teen, you might want to check out my post on toxic masculinity and social media.

And if this helped you, please share it, comment below, or subscribe for more.

Thanks for hanging out with me today 💛